Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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