Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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