i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
