Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
