i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
