Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
