She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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