i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
