So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
