I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
