Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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