I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
