i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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