Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize