Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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