Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
