Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
