I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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