Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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