Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
