Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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