I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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