Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
