Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
