Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
