My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
