Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
