Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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