I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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