I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
