i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
