I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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