this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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