I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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