Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Randomize
