genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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