I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
