im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
