I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just invented taco cereal.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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