While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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