He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
