u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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