i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
