Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
