grandma shit on top of the toilet
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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