she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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