it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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