I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
