Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize