I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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