Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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