I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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