ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I looked at my own cervix.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
