I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
