Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
