I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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