ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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