I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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